RELATIONboat

I’m currently in a relationship, well I like to call it a relationboat, as the word ship seems to be huge and overwhelming, whereas the word boat is very small and cosy, just enough space for two people to fit in and no extra baggage. Unlike the titanic, if our boat capsized we’ll just flip it back over or swim our individual ways and build another one. My relationboat is very free and open, there’s no space for compartments of secrets and doorways to a dark past. There’s only space for me and him!

 Throughout our journey we’ve been through many rough storms and a couple of times our relationboat capsized due to emotional baggage, but we always managed to flip it back over and continue on our journey through serene waters. However, this time seems slightly different. Once again our relationboat capsized (due to the smallest wave known to man) but when it was time to flip it back over he was nowhere to be seen. Before I go any further I have to let you know, in our relationboat he holds the paddles he rows the boat in whatever direction he desires. So if I did manage to flip our relationboat back over by myself, who would row us away? It would just be little me, in a little boat, in the middle of the big sea… waiting.

After waiting for two days and him nowhere in sight, I decided to flip the boat over myself. Craving affection and scared that my emotional baggage was going to cause the relationboat to sink, I began to de-clutter. First to go was the bag with all the abandonment issues inside it. The abandonment feeling obviously arose when my captain decided to “jump ship” (I mean boat) and leave me out at sea with no arm bands, float or survival kit, or any hope that he will be returning. Next to go was the bag filled with the memories of his affection. This had to go as it was a constant reminder of the love we shared, the friendship we had and our deep connection. There was no way I was going to keep this bag. Affection is an emotion experienced in the present therefore it cannot be replaced by memories!

Last but not least was a box, where in side laid a damsel in distress. This damsel in distress needed guidance, strength, motivation, love, courage, wisdom and communication which she could only recoup from one source… HIM! (This is where the deep drawn out violins begin to play in the fairytale). Without him this damsel in distress won’t have any motivation to row the boat, even if she finds the motivation where will she find the courage to whether the storms? Even if she gets the courage, how will she gain the strength without him? Even if she gets the strength to go through the storm, where will she go?  She has no guidance if he’s not there. My heart goes out to this delicate damsel, as she gave him all of her and he neglected to see it.

If I throw that box out to sea it means I will not need him or any other man to row this boat, I will be fully capable of doing it alone and rowing to whatever destination I desire. But as I stand firm at the side of the boat holding the box over the edge, I wonder if I really want to throw this damsel away. If I really want to let go of any opportunity I have of having a captain that may sail me away and maybe the opportunity to trade our little relationboat for a huge relationship, that has compartments of responsibility and doorways that lead to trust. With this in mind, I’ve decided to leave that damsel in my boat hidden away so no one can see her and so I can protect her.