When we talk about sex and consent, it is usually in one way. We often associate the right to consent with a woman and it seems as though only a woman can determine whether the act of sex occurs or not. This only emphasises the poor general assumption that guys always want sex and do not have the ability to turn it down. This is in fact a generalisation made by plenty of women who haven't experienced being turned down for sex just yet. When I told a friend about the topic of this article she said to me 'guys don't say no to sex though', as a man who has said no to a woman who wants to have sex, I can vouch that some men do say no.
I'm sure some of you reading this are also thinking "Well, guys think about sex 24/7 so of course they would not turn down a woman who wants to have sex". Wrong.
Growing up during the ages when puberty hit, it was common to assume that if a guy was not interested in indulging in sexual activities with the opposite sex he was either homosexual or just plain weird. Our minds were conditioned to thinking that having sex with a woman somehow validates us as men. Young women are taught to respect their bodies through their clothing and conduct and a big fuss is often made when a woman decides she wants to sleep with multiple men. But when she says no, there is no fuss made. However, it is completely the opposite for men. When a man has multiple sexual partners he is praised and seen as more of a man, however when he says no to a woman's sexual advances he is seen as less of a man, what do these double standards say about our society?
We argue that equality should be shared amongst genders however when it comes to sex apparently the rules change. Why is it so shocking for a man to say no to a woman in this day and age of 'equal rights?'
It is through self awareness, self respect and self admiration that I realised I can have preferences and standards, therefore if I turn down a woman's sexual advances it does not mean I prefer men, it means at that particular time I do not want to have sex. I did not say no to sex until I became confident in my looks and respected my body, I realised that I didn't have to settle and get involved every time a female wants to have sex. In fact, the more I appreciate and value myself the less willing I am to get sexually involved with just anyone.
However, I do understand that saying no to a woman holds greater repercussions as it can affect her confidence and self assurance that she is attractive. There is a misconception that the only way a heterosexual man will say no to sex is if the woman is unattractive, he is secretly homosexual or he has something wrong with him.
The question I ask is, why?
Discussions about consent often focus on the woman's ability to say yes or no without considering that there are guys who may not want to have sex in certain situations but do because of the pressures and expectations society and peer groups place on them.
I've asked many females what they think about a guy turning them down when they want to have sex, the responses have been varied in the choice of words but very similar in the message "If a guy turned me down, I'd go mad, is he alright?!". Well let's flip that and see what you think if a guy reacted in the same way to a woman turning down his sexual advances, we would be worried right? What words come to mind? Rape? Force? Respect? Consent?
In a society where we ask for equality amongst genders why is there such an obvious difference when it comes to sexual matters?
Do men have the same right to pick and choose when and whom they have sex with or must we do what is expected of us and go along with it even when we really do not want to have sex?
It is another general assumption that men are sexual predators driven by the desires of our penises when in fact we do have standards and preferences! As women do, we men also possess a brain which is capable and responsible for the decisions we make. It says a lot if you think all men are the same and sex is the number one driving force for men, in fact, if you really think that men only think with their penis then complaining when your partner has sex with someone else doesn't make sense (but I digress, that is another topic for another day).
I understand how being rejected may affect one's self esteem but when you know your worth you will understand that there are many reasons why a guy can turn you down. It may not even have anything to do with his preferences towards you, he could be tired after a long day; he might not be in the mood; or it may be too soon and that isn't his thing. When a woman gives these reasons as to why she doesn't want to have sex, men should respect those reasons and respect her decision not to proceed, however, this should also be the same the other way round.
You've probably said that a woman can't rape a man, well, that is something to be explored. Personally, I'm not too fussed about whether or not a woman respects my decision if I say no to her, I just don't want my penis chopped off if I do say no, I'm sure many other guys think the same thing (I've heard some scary responses when I asked what some women would do if a guy said no to them)!
But the question still remains, when it comes to sexual matters, can men and women be treated equally or will double standards plague us forever?
This blog post was written by Author, Poet and Motivational Speaker Tony Supreme! He will be featuring on a weekly basis, covering a variety of topics from a male perspective!
Make sure you check out his blog http://tonysupreme.blogspot.co.uk and follow him on twitter @TonySupreme_
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